


Is my feelings just a joke to you?

by PrussiaSheiala



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst and Feels, Character Study, Idol Verse, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Wonshik has a lot of feelings, Wonshik is soft for Hongbin so so soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 01:15:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14706351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrussiaSheiala/pseuds/PrussiaSheiala
Summary: Wonshik was never good at hiding his feelings as he wore his heart on his sleeve and in music, but he wasn't sure how that love had turned into a joke by everybody else, was it really not worth more to them? Was he not?





	Is my feelings just a joke to you?

Wonshik wasn’t sure when his feelings had become the punchline of the group, so yes it was no secret that he wore his heart on his sleeves, it was just how he was. He wasn’t made to be able to keep them inside, even if he tried to keep it inside, it was clear to everybody.

It started with small things, like if Hongbin asked something Wonshik was quick at complying, leading to the joke being that he was whipped for Wonshik.

From there it just escalated, it had been well spirited and friendly at first, it had never meant to hurt him of course, it was like everybody understood that he had feelings for Hongbin, but people didn’t seem to actually respect or see it as deep enough feelings that they had to respect it.

At first, Wonshik had no problem dealing with it, but as time went on it just became worse and worse, he liked to say to himself that they teasing had 3 steps, the first being when everybody else in the group started the teasing, he could deal with that, the next step hurt more.

When Hongbin himself joined in on the teasing, Wonshik to this day had no idea why Hongbin thought it was okay, it wasn’t like the younger was a mean-spirited person at all, there was a reason for why Wonshik loved him so much, but every time he through Wonshik’s feelings back in his face it felt like a physical punch.

Why did they all think it was okay? Why did Hongbin feel that it was okay to just assume that Wonshik would do as he told him to cause he was in love with Hongbin? Like yes, he was right, Wonshik would do anything for him.

But, why did they have to say it like that? Why did they think it was okay? Why did they seem to think that Wonshik’s feelings didn’t matter?

Then came the third stage, when apparently he was so pathetic that they felt it okay to joke about it while the camera was on them, they seemed to think and decide that even Starlight would understand the joke. That hurt worse, cause this way Starlight would learn from his group that making fun of Wonshik’s feelings were okay.

He tried, he really did try to ignore it, to move on, but he couldn’t stop himself, he would revel in small moments where Hongbin would wrap his arms around Wonshik and hug him, but then be forced out of his small area of rest as somebody would call out for Hongbin that he should be careful or Wonshik would get ideas.

It hurt so fucking much.

Wonshik wasn’t one for tears, while yes he carried his heart on his sleeves, tears didn’t come naturally to him, but it had come to a point where his tears could fill buckets and drown himself in it, he had shed so many.

He could live with the fact that Hongbin was never gonna love him back or he could have lived with everybody making fun of him, but Hongbin loved him back, but no… He got the negative of both scenarios.

It wasn’t okay.

Nobody made fun of Hakyeon for clearly having an emotional boner for Taekwoon, nobody even pointed it out even tho they all knew it.

In dark moments Wonshik swore away Hakyeon under his breath, how was it that Hakyeon got to both not be made the butt of every joke and he got to have his feelings returned. He thought that at least Hakyeon would understand his feelings, but no… Hakyeon’s word was always the first to sound, cutting Wonshik like knives.

He had slowly learned to accept that Hongbin just didn’t like guys, it was okay, he couldn’t change somebodies sexuality and he didn’t want to, it wasn’t that Hongbin had something against Wonshik personally, he just wasn’t into guys.

Of course, when Wonshik had finally found something like that to find solace in, of course, it had to be taken from him, he had been sitting on the couch in his studio looking through his lyric book, sometimes when he was missing inspiration it helped looking back at old work, even if said work wasn’t good enough to actually be turned into songs, remember his state of mind at that time and other stuff like that really helped.

At the time most new work he was trying was sad and depressing, looking back at lyrics from happier times helped, or at least he liked to tell himself it helped. He looked back at songs from just when Vixx started, he looked at happy lyrics, just when his love for Hongbin had set in when he was happy just looking at the younger male from the side.

Back when his love was something he was happy to just keep inside, something he didn’t expect anything out of before people had taken his love and turned it against him. His lyric book was almost a story for anybody who could decode it, anybody who could read the moods and stories each song showed.

‘Hongbin would be able to’ was his thought, that was the sad part wasn’t it, they were best friends for a reason.

That was the thing, wasn’t it? It wasn’t like his group was trying to be mean or to hurt him, or anything like that, for them it was just such a nonthing, just silly Wonshik with his silly feelings that would never happen anything about.

Wonshik looked sadly at his book when the door to his studio got half smashed open and Hongbin made his way into the dark studio, it didn’t take the younger more than three steps for Wonshik to realize that Hongbin was smashed, like really damn drunk out of his mind “Shikkie!”

The youngers tone of voice was way too loud for Wonshik, who had been sitting alone in his studio for almost two entire days, so the loud voice of Hongbin was harsh on his ears, but he couldn’t get himself to say anything against it, all he could do was smile at the younger,

Hongbin was still so beautiful, even with his skin flushed from the alcohol, hair in disarray and grin on his face, but then again if you asked Wonshik, Hongbin was always beautiful, “Binnie?”

It wasn’t often that Hongbin, or anybody else, decided to seek him out while he was in his creative space, normally they knew better, but it seemed that with alcohol in his blood Hongbin easily forgot the unspoken rule.

Well, Hongbin had to really had been drinking a lot as he threw himself over Wonshik’s lap, it couldn’t be comfortable he was lying with his back on the rappers thighs, with his head and legs on the couch, “hey.”

Wonshik wanted to be annoyed or angry that Hongbin was forcing himself into Wonshik’s personal space and one special place that he had to himself, but he couldn’t get himself to actually be angry with Hongbin, he never really could, the younger looked cute as Wonshik couldn’t stop himself from poking one of Hongbin’s dimples, “hey”

He knew that he had a big fond smile on his lips, that was just the effect of what Hongbin had on him, Hongbin on his smile big, “you should have come out and drink with us.”

Wonshik shook his head, he didn’t trust himself drinking around Hongbin, while he wasn’t normally a very affectionate drunk, but he didn’t want to take the chance, everybody was already making fun of him, he didn’t wanna know what their jokes were if he made a fool of himself, “I have work to do.”

Hongbin pouted, dimples on full show and Wonshik couldn’t stop himself from poking it with a careful hand, he knew that Hongbin wasn’t easy to break and he was strongly built, but something about the younger had always made him want to treat him with the utmost care in the world, Hongbin was so precious to him, “you know you aren’t my type.”

Hongbin had to be so drunk, he never liked straight up the confrontation, and it was the first time that he had talked about Wonshik’s love for him this way, it was the first time that he had straight up come up and set what Wonshik had always known, Hongbin wasn’t into him.

But that was okay, Wonshik had known that always, so he just smiled down at Hongbin, who still looked up at him with those pretty eyes, alcohol shrouding their normal sharpness “I know,” his voice was fond as he brushed some hair away from Hongbin’s eyes, and he meant it, it was fine, it wasn’t like Hongbin was trying to be hurtful about it.

Well, that was how it felt until Hongbin finished his sentence “I like pretty boys.”

At that Wonshik stiffened, hand frozen resting on Hongbin’s forehead, oh that hurt.

Wonshik wasn’t even sure what hurt more, the fact that Hongbin was apparently into guys, but he had never even told Wonshik even tho they were best friends and Hongbin knew everything about him or the fact that Hongbin apparently liked ‘pretty’ boys, and Wonshik apparently didn’t count as it.

He was aware that he wasn’t really ‘idol pretty’, the internet had made sure of him knowing that, but he thought he cleaned up at least decent, while Wonshik knew that he had to work hard on his abs and currently weren’t sporting it, he liked to at least think his face was decent and he was still slim.

But of course he wasn’t pretty enough for Hongbin, how could he ever have thought that? It was Hongbin after all, but it still hurt getting it told straight up that he wasn’t pretty enough for Hongbin still hurt “oh... “

Hongbin laughed a drunk laugh after, “but you still love me.”

The younger would never know that that moment was the moment that really broke Wonshik, cause it was true and it was almost disgusting to the rapper, he still loved Hongbin.

No matter what Hongbin said, no matter how much Hongbin had just stepped on his heart and made Wonshik want to curl up and cry in a corner, Wonshik still loved him, and all Hongbin needed to do was say the word and the older would be there and do anything to appease him.

Fuck Wonshik felt like such an idiot, but he didn’t know how to stop loving Hongbin, he had tried for so long, but he simply didn’t know how to. Loving Hongbin was just part of who he was at that point.

But everything after that hurt more, he got more aware of everything around him, he was never jealous before, he had never been jealous when Hongbin had flirted with girls or anything like that, he had just waited for Hongbin on the sideline with a smile, wishing Hongbin to be happy.

After their conversation tho… Wonshik felt jealous, he saw Hongbin play around with Jaehwan and Sanghyuk and all he could do was compare his own looks with the tall strongly build Sanghyuk, with the pretty and beautiful facial features of Jaehwan, and every time he did compare, he could feel how he came up short.

He was tall, yes, but he was never gonna be as tall as Sanghyuk nor was he ever gonna be as well built, was that what Hongbin found pretty in people? Or was it Jaehwan, he compared his own facial features to those pretty and strong lines of Jaehwan's face, Wonshik was never going to be able to be like that either.

Every time he tried to pull a cute face like Jaehwan, every time he tried to be cute it just looked like an unflattering grimace.

It hurts so much.

Knowing that he would never be pretty enough for Hongbin, but could he really blame him?

He was just Wonshik, he wasn’t anything special, he remembered back to when they first debuted, how people made fun of his face and his terrible haircut, he could even remember people saying that his face scared them, made them uncomfortable

He couldn’t really argue with it, those words had calmed down as he became better at rapping, but Wonshik wasn’t sure if they had calmed down cause he had become better looking or people had just started to like Vixx better and felt too sorry for him to keep sending him shit.

Wonshik tried to keep working, tried to move on, tried to ignore it, trying to ignore the sting in his breast, tried to smile at every joke his group threw at him.

But he couldn’t anymore, he had officially reached his end, he was jealous, sad and destroyed, he couldn’t move on, he couldn’t stop looking at every man Hongbin talked to and compare himself to them, always coming up short.

He could no longer live with his feelings getting thrown back in his head for him, he tried to, they were his group, he knew that even with their misguided jokes they still loved him, right? They were his closest friends.

He tried to keep it in, god he tried so hard.

But then it was too much, everything was just too much, he could no longer do it… and 5 years of hurt feelings, 5 years of feeling his emotions and his love was just a joke to everybody became too much, he just blew up.

It wasn’t even fair, Jaehwan had made a joke that Wonshik, of course, would know where Hongbin was, after all, he was Hongbin’s lovestruck stalker, after all, it had just meant to be a light joke, but Wonshik couldn’t take it anymore.

He had just blown up, yelled at Jaehwan, screamed at him what gave him the right to make fun of Wonshik’s feelings? Just cause Jaehwan was an empty soul who the closest thing he would ever come to love was his mirror!

Wonshik didn’t mean it, of course, he didn’t he knew that Jaehwan was amazing and had tons of love in his heart, but he had just had enough finally he just wanted to hurt somebody like they had hurt him for years.

Realizing the words out of his mouth, realizing everybody staring at him like the wild animal he was, he fled from the scene.

What had he done?

He couldn’t stay, he couldn’t keep doing this, it was ruining he had to get away, he wasn’t sure away from what, Vixx? Seoul? Korea? Realm of the living? He just… he couldn’t do this anymore? He couldn’t keep just being a joke, he was like a well, the clean water being his love and his heart, but every joke… every moment was one tiny drop of poison, and it was slowly making his love and heart poisonous, they all deserved better than that?

Wonshik understood at that moment why Hongbin couldn’t love him, Hongbin deserved so much better than him, he always had, hadn't he?

The rest of Vixx stared at the door Wonshik had existed, never expected their mild-mannered rapper to blow up like that, when they had finally managed to calm down Jaehwan they hurried him, some grim feeling settling in their stomachs, somehow they knew that something was wrong, that they had to get home as soon as possible, or something bad would happen, they weren’t sure what, but they just knew that.

The thing was when they came home… It was too late, one small note was sitting on the door, it was in Wonshik’s handwriting with the saying ‘I am sorry, I won’t bother anybody anymore.’

The strange thing was… all of Wonshik’s things were still in the dorm.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked this more open-ended story!


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